I have been unemployed for nearly two years. When I got engaged and we decided living in Utah was the best option for us because of BJ's condo ownership, I resigned my position as a teacher at a school I loved. I would have stayed there forever, teaching ancient civilizations to hilarious junior high kids and been totally happy. The Classical Academy was my dream school. I thoroughly, completely and effervescently enjoyed every moment of working there. From the students, to fellow staff, to administration, to school philosophy, it was like TCA and Lauren were made for each other. Leaving was incredibly hard, and I miss it all the time. And since moving, job opportunities have been nonexistent.
I have since moonlighted as a private tutor. It has been a lot of fun, rewarding, and a good source of some much-needed income. I especially love that this year I have been able to work with my 14-year-old nephew and develop an amazing personal relationship with him. It has been wonderful blessing. But now, that is all changing.
I was offered (and accepted) a full-time teaching job for next year. It is at an amazing charter school that is similar to TCA in many ways. I will be coming on board as a high school teacher, and will get the chance to really help build that school from the ground up as they continue adding a grade at the high school each year. I am excited at the prospect of creating curriculum, integrating technology and developing awesome relationships with my students. I will have an hour-long train commute back and forth each day, but I can use that time to plan and grade and make sure I am not always bringing work home with me. Inside, I can feel seeds of excitement about this job, and I am incredibly grateful and excited for the chance to work again.
It is also breaking my heart.
I think this week and the challenges of my doctor's appointment to deal with fertility challenges have really thrown my ability to judge my emotions accurately. I am just feeling a whole lot and not really thinking very much about what those feelings really mean when I dig into them.
I feel like I am sacrificing my ultimate dream of mommy-hood for a career. I never wanted to do that. In my guts, I feel like I have surrendered to the challenge and given up on getting pregnant, because I am going back to work. The original plan was to be a mom about six months ago. Somewhere, life and fate are sitting in a room having a good laugh over the plans I made. Very funny, guys. Right now, I can't shake this feeling that I am doing this because I failed at becoming a mother. Which is crazy and totally irrational, but it's just how I feel right now.
I had a good talk with my Dad today. He said I need to choose the path that is before me, and if I detour somewhere along the way, I just take that detour, and that nobody is going to fault me for having a baby down the road. So that is what I am going to do. If I get pregnant while working, I will just do what I need to do to best fit the needs of my family. And for me, that will mean being home with my little one. But if I have to wait a little while in between the school year finishing and my being able to be home, then we will work it out. I cannot continue to live my life on pause while I wait for something to come. It may not come, or it may come in a way that I do not expect. But either way, I need to be working, contributing, saving money and being intellectually challenged as the path unfolds in front of me.
I really want this job. I want to feel a great sense of purpose and have something valuable to do each day. I want to contribute my time and talents somewhere that matter. I think I will be great and do great and feel great when I start teaching again. If I move forward with faith and hope, I know things will fall into place.
It is bittersweet to the core though, right now. I think that's ok. It will mellow over time.
So I am choosing the path before me, pushing my teacher cart ahead and towing a dream of a baby behind.
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