Acceptance

Accepting change is hard. Beyond hard. It is the first step towards a reformation of one's self. I hate it. But I am trying.

On the outside, I have always been someone who projects an appearance of being "together" and "settled." I cling to this idea as if it is a life-raft to save me from certain drowning. My first foray into blogging was very much tied to this idea of projecting perfection to some sort of all-knowing, all-judging internet audience. You know, those people who actually create the amazing things we all drool over on Pinterest. Who bake layer cakes each week, grow their own vegetable gardens, re-purpose their husband's shirts into baby clothes and take family pictures with perfectly styled and coiffed children sprawled on vintage velvet couches drug over an abandoned railroad track. I wanted to be these women. I taught myself photography. I searched for, created and perfected recipes that I thought these people would like and approve of. I went out of my way to prioritize writing for them and what I believed they wanted. Then I realized, these people do not really exist.

We get snapshots of people's best in the online community. We see picture-perfect homes that put Better Homes & Gardens to shame. We see the epitome of their baking and culinary prowess presented on a perfectly-styled table. We see the best DIY projects they have ever completed in their adorable little lives. What we don't see are the many days spent in yoga pants, weighing the value of a shower against the value of a nap. We don't see the cake that fell flat at 11 PM before it ever made it out of the oven. We don't see the stress over bills, children and relationships. Everyone has their best, and that is great. Everyone has their "not best," and that is great too. So, in the spirit of embracing all the elements that make someone truly whole, I am going to put myself out there in as unedited and authentic a way as possible.

I want to share things that are good. Things that are joyful. Inspiring. Uplifting. But I want to share things that are real. Experiences that affirm what I know to be true-that the opposite of pain is not happiness, but joy. And joy is a complex emotion, tinged around the edges with discouragement, disappointment and heartache, and rooted at it's center in indescribable beauty and pure love. And that you can never have joy without pain.

This blog will be me-who I am, and who I am becoming. I love to cook and bake, so there will be some of that. I love my faith, so there will be some of that. I love my family and the support and delight they pour into my life, so there will be lots of that. There will be a documentation of my journey into healing self through natural and holistic means. There will be a whole mess of things about the struggles I have with my mind and body. And there will be a lot about my deepest desires to have a child, and the nearly two-year journey (thus far unsuccessful) my husband and I have been on to make that a reality. 

I hope that this is something that can help others who live in the same state of flux, growth and back-and-forth that I do. If you read it to gain an insight into a wonderfully imperfect life, then that is good. If you read it to find commonalities with someone who regularly wears sweatpants and binges on Netflix, then you have truly found a kindred spirit. I hope that my efforts to share and document my life authentically contribute something to those who take a few moments to read what I have crafted here. 

Welcome to Wit and Wishes.