The Flyer Comet

When I was twelve, the scariest thing in the world to me was the roller coaster at our local, historic amusement park. The star attraction at Whalom Park was The Flyer Comet, a classic wooden coaster, perched on the shore of a lake in central Massachusetts, and by the time I was old enough to ride it's rickety tracks and dilapidated cart train, had been in operation for nearly 60 years. The Flyer Comet was a hallmark of New England culture, and the fact that the entire structure shook as you whooshed around the curves, and that the paint flaked off in sheets as metal wheels clacked over the worn track wasn't enough to deter thrill-seekers from riding the ancient attraction. The scariest part of riding the Flyer Comet was a section they called "the black hole," which was a covered portion of track built over a steep drop (often rumored to cover faulty portions of the structure). For a few seconds, the darkness enveloped you, your heart raced, stomach churned, and mind spiraled, before you shot out the other side into brilliant sunlight over deep blue water, arms raised to touch the sky with outstretched fingertips, heart full of exultant joy and body buzzing with adrenaline. 

I feel like I am stuck on the Flyer Comet, trapped in the "black hole," and I can't get off the ride. 

In the past ten days, I have walked away from a full-time teaching opportunity less than a week before school started, created a new plan for employment wholly dependent on substitute teaching jobs, and found out that our problems having a baby may be more serious than we initially thought. I am spiraling, sometimes it feels like without direction, but banking on that moment of shooting out of the "black hole," hands raised joyously toward the heavens, lungs bursting and heart soaring as light overcomes darkness and hope fills my soul. 

For the first time on my life, I am running on nothing but faith. There is something exhilarating and liberating about turning control over to God and opening yourself to His goodness and glory to satisfy every possible need. There is something awesome and humbling about knowing that after doing everything in your power to satisfy your temporal and eternal needs, it will never be enough without His grace. So while I am terrified and stuck on what seems like an endless trip through the "black hole," I know with a faith that burns hotter than any earthly flame, that if we live our faith daily, commit ourselves to Him, see the needed specialists to help us have a baby, and work our hardest to meet our financial needs, He will help us achieve our eternal and paramount goal of a family. There is no way to meet that goal running on our old plan of working 65-70 hours a week teaching and commuting. So we have a new plan. 

The new plan is this-give it our all. Keep our heads up. Be flexible. Be receptive to the Holy Spirit. Move forward with faith. Steel ourselves. And wait for the sun to come back.

We need to find out if I have a misshapen uterus that could challenge carrying a healthy baby to term. We need to find out if I am able to ovulate at all. We are at a point of moving beyond the help that my OBGYN can give us. We are upping the ante. We have our first reproductive endocrinologist appointment on October 8th.  We need to find a way to meet our financial obligations on a reduced income. But I know that he will help us to do all of those things, because more than anything else, He wants us to have a family and to know the full spectrum of experience that raising children will bring us. And He and BJ and I will do whatever we need to do and are inspired to do to make that happen. 

I have a feeling the Flyer Comet and I have a few more rounds to go, but the moment of transformation from inky darkness to brilliant light will make every second of the experience worthwhile. 

So we soar on through the darkness just before dawn. Heads up. Hearts full of love. Hands stretched to the sky. 

The Value of a Husband

I cannot imagine walking through life without my husband. On this crazy journey of fertility challenges, he is my touchstone and the grounding influence to balance my emotionally explosive self.

Isn't he cute? We have been married for a year and a half, and I am grateful for every day that we have had together.

Something that saddens me is the devaluation of husbands and fathers in our culture. We are constantly viewing them through the lens of being incapable, helpless, bumbling and out-of-touch. They are the perpetual Phil Dunphy's of the world (and I do think Phil is quite funny in his own right). So while my father will get his own special post someday, my husband is getting his today. I want to celebrate the amazing role of a husband in marriage. I love when husbands and wives speak positively about each other. It is a testament to a commitment to be better together, no matter how hard life gets.

BJ has become my rock and my shelter from the storm. When I am struggling with my lack of mommyhood and feel like I would be better off abandoning tracking my spotty ovulation cycles, getting a hysterectomy and becoming a crazy cat hoarder, he holds my hand and talks me back down to earth.

BJ and I met online. Yes. We are an online-dating success story. I think in some ways, the stars aligned, God poked us, prodded us and prompted us from on high, and we were able to find each other quickly, at moments when we were both ready and open to finding someone to build a life with. Less than two months after the heinous and unexpected end to a long-term relationship, I was blessed with this bright spot in my life because of him. I knew before we met in person that I would likely marry BJ. His warmth, kindness and sensitivity emanated through his emails, text messages and phone calls. I could tell right away how open and honest he was, and it was a vast departure from people I had previously dated.  BJ is exactly what I need in my life-someone who is supportive, loving, committed to his faith, and willing to accept me for who I am. Dating and getting engaged happened quickly for us. I believe that happened because we both made the choice to accept each other and make marriage our ultimate priority, instead of finding a million reasons not to be married. We didn't have a crazy, epic, whirlwind romance. We had great conversation, quick commitment, honesty and a genuine loved based in mutual faith. Getting married wasn't nerve-racking or scary. I had butterflies of excitement when we were sealed together for time and all eternity, but no crazy nausea or second thoughts. It just felt right, like the natural culmination of getting to be with your best friend forever. It was and still is real magic and real romance, even if it is simple and understated. No Bachelor-esque helicopter rides and dream vacations for us-just lots of love and lots of Netflix and pizza.

BJ is not perfect. But he is perfect for me. I stink at a lot of things. Like laundry. Specifically, all aspects of laundry-from the putting it into the basket, all the way to putting it away again when it is clean. He is a laundry master, and he never gets even remotely frustrated with me for being a miserable laundry wretch. I love it. He cleans of his own volition all the time. He compliments me when I am wearing no makeup, a pair of men's oversize sweatpants that have a hole in the crotch, and a ratty t-shirt. He always inquires about my needs, thoughts and feelings. BJ challenges me intellectually, taking an interest in my crazy obsession with all things political. He initiates wonderful faith-based discussions. He understands that good conversation is essential to a good relationship.

BJ has been nothing but supportive during my two years of unemployment and struggles with fertility. He supports my desire to return to work, and encourages me all the time to work towards my goals. He supports my every endeavor, whether it is being more dedicated to clipping coupons to help with our budget, concocting some new crazy meal, or my ramblings and musings about the young adult fiction books I would like to write.

We are crazily similar, but wildly different. He loves superheroes. I like Robert Downey Jr, Chris Evans, Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman, so that at least gives us a little common ground to work with. He is incredibly high-energy. I am more mellow. He can survive on Ramen, pickles and pizza. I would be a miserable bear-beast if I ate like that. He has the best laugh in the entire world. It is an instant pick-me-up. Everything about him is something I love, even if it is something I don't understand or an interest I don't share.

BJ works tirelessly at his job to take care of us. He is one of the hardest workers and most humble people I have ever met. I know he would clean toilets, mop floors, or work three jobs to provide for us. He is selfless, service-oriented, and always works to the best of his ability. I aspire to be more like him. I married someone who is committed to bettering himself and everyone around him. I think it was the smartest thing I have ever done.

He is gentle with children, and will be a wonderful father. Just check him out snuggling his newborn niece.

And playing Disney ballet princesses with his other nieces.

And snuggling them while watching Cinderella.

I thank God for him each day, and I am so blessed to have him as my husband and partner for eternity.

I never wanted to get married to have someone complete me or make me whole, and I never wanted to be that for someone else. I wanted to marry someone who would work with me to be our best selves, together as partners, cleaving unto one another. We find wholeness not in fixing each other, but in discovering ourselves together, as partners bound for the eternities, loving unceasingly. Yeah, we are totally at the beginning of that journey, and it will be hard at times (like someday when our kids won't sleep through the night and our house is drowning in piles of laundry), but I cannot think of another person that I would want to stay up all night and do laundry with.

I love you, BJ.