On Tuesday, I woke up in a state of slug. Sloth. Turtle. Any variety of slow, almost imperceptibly mobile creature. I lay glued to my bed. I am pretty sure that my yoga pants and husband's t-shirt fused to the sheets. I raised my head off the pillow in order to rotate it enough to avoid a permanent crick in my neck. And I stared into space. For an hour. From 7:30 AM when hubby departed for work, to 8:30 AM when I decided I should do something productive.
Of course, productivity means embracing the miracle of technology by watching Netflix on my phone. Because whoever invented Netflix streaming was a freaking genius. And I love them. And hate them. Because it hurts so good when your pajamas are fused to the sheets and you have 100,000 titles at your fingertips. And when your dog is passed out next to you, allowing you to use her as a phone stand to avoid compromising sound quality and eliminating screen glare. Winning.
As my fingers skittered across the screen, the protozoan recesses of my brain took hold, and convinced me that watching, "What to Expect When You're Expecting," was a smart idea. The height of genius. I am expecting a call from the Nobel Commission next week, in fact. Or maybe the people who dole out the Darwin Awards each year.
As I watched the myriad of couples in this movie experience the joys, trials and travails of pregnancy, infertility, adoption and miscarriage, I chuckled and guffawed and then just began sobbing uncontrollably. Because the couple that I could identify with the most, the always beautiful Jennifer Lopez and her ridiculously good-looking husband, had a tender and touching and ultimately, completely unrealistic story-line that made me crazy angry. After failing to conceive naturally, they turned to adoption, and then, out of nowhere, the soon-to-be unemployed photographer and her model husband were gifted with an expedited international adoption and bliss ensued. Touching, yes. Realistic, no. Blech.
I admit, there were a lot of funny moments. "Dude's Group" was hilarious It was a decent movie. But believe me, that conclusion has been reached only after a week of coming to terms with the fantastic elements of the story. I spent most of the week in a major fog, exacerbated by the dumb, dumb choice to watch this movie. Honestly, if my friend hadn't texted me about going to the gym just as I was finishing the movie while drowning in a pool of tears and my own snot, I am pretty sure I never would have peeled myself out of the bed. The police department would have had to set up a CSI scene, taping the room off and listing the cause of death as "Netflix-induced body to bed fusion."
But I have learned to expect a lot of things when I am not expecting. Because people with infertility issues need to laugh too.
1. Expect to consider buying or wearing (if you have happened your way into hand-me-downs) maternity clothes when you are NOT pregnant or post-natal. I am pretty sure I can fit in some of the clothes packed into my spare-room dresser drawer, and they are danged cute. Who cares if they all have "Motherhood" tags in them...
2. Expect to come home to pieces of plastic all over the house, and realizing with horror that your dog dug multiple pregnancy tests out of the bathroom trash (from that week you were sure you were pregnant and all of the tests were lying) and ATE them into little-bitty pieces.
3. Expect to be tempted to purchase baby items when you see them on sale. Because it's not enough to have an empty baby room chock-full of generously given baby hand-me-downs to torture you, so why not add a carseat, crib and all manner of baby necessities to your irony.
4. Expect to think about everything in terms of "but I'll be pregnant someday." Like, "I'll be pregnant someday, so I should start eating loads of Dairy Queen Blizzards now so my system will be able to handle that much ice cream later." Or, "I'll be pregnant someday, so I shouldn't bother trying to lose weight because I will just gain it all back." Or my favorite, "I'll be pregnant someday! If I just believe it, I'll achieve it!" Because 90's sitcom inspirational talks a-la-Danny Tanner and Carl Winslow always solve the most difficult problems.
5. Expect to walk through the baby section of EVERY store and have the compulsion to purchase EVERYTHING in sight. Because who doesn't need a breast pump when they aren't pregnant? I am sure it has some sort of culinary application. Hooded animal towels can totally be used as cute bathroom decor for a childless couples. Winnie the Pooh layette sets will be wonderful conversation starters with company and can double as potholders. Because nobody will think you are crazy if you walk to the grocery store, and load everything you buy into an empty Britax stroller to roll it on home.
I've learned that expecting anything when you're not expecting is a dangerous road to saunter down, let alone tip-toe along.
The good news is, today, I peeled myself out of bed. My skin is attached to my body and not my sheets. And I have yet to view a single thing on Netflix. Winning.
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