Tests, More Tests, and Avoiding Becoming the Next Octo-Mom

I realized something last Monday at my fertility consultation. Those charts, diagrams and explanations of bodily functions displayed on the wall of the OBGYN's office don't make you feel awkward until you spend 45 minutes in that room with your husband waiting to talk to the doctor. I think that by the end of the experience, BJ was more informed about the internal structure of the baby-making woman parts than he could have ever wanted to be. He was a total trooper though, especially because cute Dr. Laine spent 90% of the time really only talking to me while he sat in the chair next to the paper-covered exam and rubbed my knee while we talked strategy for Operation Baby. Oh, and the appointment was the day before our two-year anniversary...what a great way to celebrate!

This was my first time actually meeting my OB (I have worked with her Nurse Practitioner and Medical Assistant) . She is incredibly nice, down to earth, and best of all, pretty realistic and conservative in her approach to maximizing my fertility. Going on Clomid scares the crud out of me. My mom is a fraternal twin, and my risk of having twins is pretty high as it is without blitzing my follicles with Clomid. Dr. Laine said something to the effect of, "when you want a baby so badly, twins sound wonderful. The reality of a twin pregnancy and the first years of parenting twins is a really different story." I would prefer to achieve pregnancy as conservatively as possible, and it makes me feel a lot better to have a doctor that didn't just bust out the prescription pad for fertility drugs five minutes after meeting me. I feel good about sticking with Dr. Laine through these next few months as we figure out what is going on with me, and confident that she will refer me to any needed specialists when the time is appropriate.

So the long and short of our appointment was that my basal body temperature charting seems to be indicating irregular ovulation, and likely periods of anovulation. It looks like I am ovulating every other month, and irregularly at that, so there may be an issue with my Fallopian tubes. I had my progesterone tested two weeks in a row, and I am definitely not ovulating this month. We also broached that oh-so-lovely and tender conversation about weight again, but Dr. Laine was so gentle and kind. After sharing her own experiences with struggling with her weight, she said I was down 10 pounds from my last appointment, and over the next 8 weeks or so, would like to see that downward trend continue. No "you must reach this weight for me to help you" ultimatum, no criticism of the fact that two years of unemployment and emotional stress have helped me to pack on some very unwanted pounds. Just some simple suggestions to help me continue to be successful, and an absolute insistence on small, meaningful changes and not a ridiculous crash diet.

The next step, beyond continuing to chart each day and continue testing my progesterone through my next cycle, is to have a Hysterosalpingography at the start of my next cycle in August. Basically, they will insert a catheter into my uterus, flood the uterus with contrast dye, and x-ray me to see if the dye flows normally through my Fallopian tubes. If the dye does, then we know that there isn't a blockage. If it doesn't, then we need to resolve the blockage, or come up with another plan. The test isn't terribly pleasant, is danged expensive, and may end up being inconclusive, but it is the next logical step, so we will be scheduling that soon. The silver lining is that woman have an increased rate of conception the month after the test is performed, so here's hoping. After the test, we will reconvene in September to go over everything and reevaluate our approach. It is likely that I will go on Clomid in September, but will be tracked by an endocrinologist to study my egg follicle development to be sure I am not going to end up as the next Octo-Mom. Shudder.

Overall, it was a positive experience, but definitely emotional. It doesn't matter what happens with Operation Baby, I end up in tears. I feel like I have what I need in place to move forward now-a wonderful husband, an army of people that I know pray for us, a Heavenly Father who loves us and will bless us for our righteous desires, and a medical specialist that can use her gifts to help us have a baby. But it doesn't make things easier, and I am really at peace with admitting openly that I am not okay with the fact that my reproductive system is on the fritz. In a world full of covering up hurt and struggle for the sake of appearance, I am getting more and more comfortable with just being okay with not being okay. 

Over the past few months, I feel like I have also had a lot of time to reflect on the inevitable question that all couples dealing with infertility must face, "How far will we go to make this happen?" Everyone has their own answer to that question, and that answer is one that is only arrived at with a lot of serious consideration. I know that for BJ and me, we are only willing to go so far. I will do the testing. I will do some fixes for internal problems I may have. I will take Clomid or it's equivalent. I will pursue intrauterine insemination. That is it for me. I will not do fertility shots. I will not undergo major surgery. I do not want to do invitro. If we cannot get to pregnancy on our own within those parameters, we will take the money we would be spending on fertility treatments, and move forward with the adoption process. If we are not successful by June of next year, we will go ahead with a home study and begin looking into our options. For me, the $10,000 I would spend on invitro would be better spent working with LDS family services to bring a darling baby that desperately needs a home into a family full of love, desire and acceptance. 

In my heart, I think our journey may take us down the path of both pregnancy and adoption. I am not sure at all how this will work out, and I am not all fine and dandy with the way things are, but I am grateful to be on a path and walking toward positive and productive action. I can't do this all on my own, but I can do it one step at a time, one day at a time, and with a mustard seed of faith. 

On Mothers

The earliest memory I have of my mom is her scampering through the kitchen, freaking out because I put our cat, Dusty (just a clue as to what sort of cat she was...her nickname was "Old Miserable") in the garbage can and closed the lid. I distinctly remember her wearing a red sweater, and pulling the cat out of the can to rescue her.

I love my mom, Lucinda. She is truly a best friend. She has always been there to listen to me, to support me, and to love me. She read to me, cuddled me, and nurtured me. She taught me to do hard things. She showed me the patience, love and dedication it requires to be a stay-at-home mom, and instilled in me the wonderful values of a committed, dedicated marriage. She modeled how to strive to be better every day. But she was a parent and shepherd, first and foremost. She put her foot down countless times when I was growing up, refusing to let me do things that I thought were completely age appropriate, like not allowing me to attend a Smashing Pumpkins concert without any adult supervision when I was in 7th grade. Or not letting me wander aimlessly through the mall with other crowds of kids. Or being completely horrified when I thought it was the height of fashion to wear stack-heel sparkly jelly shoes with cutoff short shorts to the town library and then to my brother's football practice (let's not forget the fact that at 12 or 13 when this happened, puberty had hit overnight and suddenly there were hips and curves in all the right places), and to never let me wear the shoes with anything but non-form fitting pants again. Instead of letting me do whatever I wanted, and instead of trying to be my "friend," she was my parent, first and always. She protected me. Loved me. Guided me. Corrected me. And now, she is a best friend. I love her more than words can ever express. 

Me and my mom, at our Massachusetts backyard wedding reception, being ridiculous.

I was also blessed to marry into a family with a mother that is every bit as incredible as my own. I don't know why Heavenly Father thought I was worthy enough to have two incredible mothers, but He apparently did, and I am forever grateful. Cindy is a firecracker. With a sharp wit, a passion to learn and understand, and a spine of steel to get her through even the hardest times, she is truly an unstoppable force of nature. I have found a dear friend and a role model. This woman parented FOUR boys, all of which count as two children, because of their energy levels, so she really parented EIGHT boys, and is still sane! Her sense of humor and dedication to finding the good in even the darkest of situations is an inspiration. She welcomed me into her family lovingly, opening her home to me without qualification for visits and Christmas and my many trips to Utah while BJ and I were dating. I have never felt anything but loved, accepted and understood by Cindy. And she raised my sensitive, caring and hardworking husband. I am grateful to her for her friendship, love and hard work every day.

Me and Cindy in Boston, after eating lunch at the Barking Crab.

Mother's Day is right around the corner, and I know it is going to be a very hard day. I will go to church, and see lots of babies with their incandescently radiant mothers (yes, church mommies, you are that beautiful, even when you are covered in crumbs and desperately trying to get your children to quiet down). I will listen to talks about the joys of motherhood, the divine role of mothers, and the eternal blessings of being a mother. I will either cry like a baby through them, or completely shut down and tune it all out as a coping mechanism. Either way, I will go through the majority of that day feeling like absolute crap, because all I want in this world is to be called, "mother." But I can exercise the qualities of a mother now, to prepare to be one when the time is right for me. As a wise and strong woman who has never married and never had children of her own, Sheri Dew captured and defined this important idea for me when she said, 

"Nevertheless, the subject of motherhood is a very tender one, for it evokes some of our greatest joys and heartaches. This has been so from the beginning. Eve was 'glad' after the Fall, realizing she otherwise 'never should have had seed.' And yet, imagine her anguish over Cain and Abel. Some mothers experience pain because of the children they have borne; others feel pain because they do not bear children here. About this...John A. Widstoe was explicit: 'Women who through no fault of their own cannot exercise the gift of motherhood directly, may do so vicariously.' For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord's timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led."

I am going to use the weeks leading up to Mother's Day to practice gratitude for my mothers, Lucinda and Cindy. I am also going to seek opportunities to "mother" others. I might not prevent them from attending a Smashing Pumpkins concert unsupervised, or rescue a cat that they trapped in a trashcan, or confiscate a pair of Jelly shoes that should be burned on the ash-heap of history, but I can find ways to practice compassion, caring, love and guidance. I don't think it will make Mother's Day sting any less, but it will be a balm and salve on my soul to mitigate the effects over the long term. 

I love you, moms the world over. Know that you are wonderful, amazing, beautiful and Christlike, and that you are all mothers, even if you have not borne your own children. Hugs.